Ever Had A Sudden Realisation?

*** Excessive use of profanities ***

It's been a while since I last wrote something here, but this isn't a catch up... This is an emotional release. Other than my sister visiting, which I thoroughly enjoyed, the last few weeks have been a bit of a cunt.

I have recently come to the realisation that people are cunts… They are only out to fuck you and get what they want from you, even family. Family are there when it suits them and they will stab their own blood in the back if it means getting what they want out of it. I come to that realisation long ago, and it has only just hit home… This is not to say that I don’t love my family, because I do… It’s unconditional, but I still hate most of my family.

The hatred and sadness built up earlier as I was thinking about it all, and I started to cry, as you do when things get overwhelming. But I can’t cry properly. I get upset and tears form in my eyes but there is no emotional release that let’s me know that I am crying, so I started to get REALLY frustrated at the fact that crying wasn’t releasing my emotion. All the emotion turned into anger and in the end I almost popped a blood vessel in my head and was literally seconds from smashing the shit out of the bathroom before I realised that it would do no good.

I am the kind of person, who once I get emotional, I start to think of everything, and today that “everything” was the fact that I am open book and have always been an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am a genuinely kind person. Too kind for my own good, perhaps. A friend once told me that people take kindness for weakness, and being as kind as I am, people must take me for an absolute cunt.

It all got me thinking… I open up too easily and I let people into my heart and they fuck me over, right away. People take the opportunity to get what ever they can from someone by what ever means necessary and they usually jump when someone shows vulnerability. Being the open book that I am, I am always left vulnerable to such attack and I can’t take it anymore. Something’s got to give and I wont let it be my well-being.

There may be other genuinely nice people out there who don’t stab people in the back for their own gain, but life has taught me that most people are cunts and that I can’t go on living my day-to-day with my heart on my sleeve because people take advantage of it. So from now on, I have taken my heart off my sleeve and I am no longer opening up to anyone, regardless of who they are. Fuck people, they can’t be trusted. From now on I am going to be nice whenever I want to be, and not because I feel that I have to be.

Consider this the last time that I open up and let people know what is really going on, on the inside...